In Honor of Hypermesis Awareness day (15 May 2018) I have decided to share my experience with it so far. I don’t normally go this personal or deep with my posts but I felt this was one I had to share.
*TRIGGER WARNING* Please be aware that some of what I have wrote may be upsetting to read.
I am currently 14+5Weeks Pregnant with twins so heres my journey so far.
My sickness started back when I was close to 6 weeks. I started to feel sick 24/7 which pretty much made my normal life stop because I ended up having to sit down a lot or lie in bed with a basin just in case. It was rough and no matter what I tired I couldn’t get relief for the sickness.
Once I got past 6 weeks things got worse. Vomit! No matter what I did it was none stop vomiting until I could take no more and cried for help. Even a simple glass of water was my enemy. It was early in the morning and I couldn’t take anymore. I had barely slept and I was both physically and emotionally drained. My husband got our two children ready for school and playgroup and I sat on the bed crying my eyes out and holding a basin. I had enough, so hubby got the kids in the car and then somehow I managed to get myself in the car, Pjs and all. There was no way I had the strength to get dressed nor did I care because how ill I felt. Anyway to cut the story short hubby took me into hospital were they took me in to see a nurse straight away and they done urine tests and a blood sugar test and I remember the nurse muttering to herself ‘Oh my god’. Well turns out my blood sugar was as low as it goes (am not diabetic by the way) and my urine had 4+ Keytones. So they sent me straight round to a room were a doctor came to talk to hubby and I, he said I was severely dehydrated and then he got a drip put in each of my arms. One for fluid to go through and one for vitamins and anti sickness meds.I was then sent to go for a scan and this is when we found out it was twins. After the scan I was brought onto a ward and was told I would be kept in for while and that was when I was told that I had hyperemesis. I had heard of it before but never experienced it with my past two pregnancy nor did I know how bad it can get or how much it takes over your life.
I was kept in hospital for a week until I was bit more stable and able to tolerate liquid and a little food. For a day or two after I got out I wasn’t feeling to bad, but then it all came back and I wasn’t tolerating much but I managed to keep myself at home and the anti sickness medication helped a little. This went on for a few weeks and it was hard. Day after day went past and I mostly stayed in my bed with my basin. I would wake up in the morning with tears in my eyes because I didn’t want to keep doing this over and over, everyday throwing up then trying to choke down meds and water just to get by to the next day. It was breaking me inside. I felt like a waste of space. I wasn’t feeling much of a mother to my kids anymore, I wasn’t feeling much of a wife to my husband anymore and I wasn’t feeling like I was much use to anyone. I barely even spoke to a person. I wouldn’t answer my phone and barely read my texts. I just couldn’t cope and I was pretty much relying on my hubby for everything which I hated because it made me feel so vulnerable but I kept going with it hoping it would be over soon and of course reminding myself that am doing this for my baby twins.
I made it to 12 weeks with getting by each day but then out of no where its all got worse, I was no longer able to keep anything down and I was due my 12 week scan at the hospital.
The day of the scan was here and I just barely made it in the car as I had been none stop vomiting. Hubby drove up the hospital and we managed to find where we were meant to go. As soon as I walked in and they seen how ill I looked they took me a side and asked for a urine sample to which no surprise showed but keytones. I was then brought into the scan room where the doctor decided I was too sick to have my scan and he wanted to admit me for fluids and medication. He said he would come and see me in the ward and do the scan then when I was more stable.
So there I was back in the hospital, away from my kids and husband again. I was feeling myself struggling to keep it together. Back to getting poked with needles and back to lack of sleep from beeping machines everywhere and back to feeling lonely. I hated it so much. Now don’t get me wrong the nurses were wonderful and I can’t fault my care but I hated being in there again. The second day I was in there was the day I completely broke and fell apart like never before and thinking back on it makes me feel embarrassed and a little silly because it wasn’t me.
It started during the night when I woke up sick and the nurse came to see me because she heard me throwing up. She got me some anti sickness medication and helped me get settled again. I think I slept for maybe an hour then it all started again and there was no more medication I could have. I couldn’t stop heaving into the dish and then I completely broke down. Tears started streaming from my eyes and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard i tired, then I started hyperventilating and crying out loud.I had completely lost control of my emotions, then the nurse sat on the bed beside me holding me tight and trying to calm me down and but I remember that I just kept saying things like ‘I can’t do this anymore’ and that I wanted to die and end it all. I just didn’t want to live my life like this anymore. (Never in my whole life have I had thoughts like that). Hyperemesis had broke me,I didn’t even recognise myself anymore.
When I calmed down from my little break down thanks to the support from the nurses I started to feel a little emotionally better about things. I had to find the strength to carry on for the sake of my husband, my two children and the two new lives growing inside of me. I was also given a leaflet with information on HG Support groups and when I got out of hospital it was comforting reading about others going though this too and it made me feel less lonely. I still have up and down days through this and I am pretty much living on lice lollies at the minute and my best friend is the basin. I know this won’t be forever and I know why am going through this and its what I concentrate on to battle through each day.
My heart goes out to anyone out there who has suffered or is currently suffering with this. Its horrible and there maybe be days were you feel like you can’t go all but trust me it will all be worth it in the end.